NinjaPhobos's Xanga

Friday, August 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 07:45:41 GMT

I think sometimes the truth can be staring you right in the face and you'll never see it. Sometimes the things that are truest get so close you can't seem to find them. Like my gym shorts...which are still missing, though I know I brought them home from the lake...and like God, who sometimes seems to be missing, too. What can you say to the disillusioned? How do you convince someone that sleepless reason is the thing that creates monsters, not the sleep of reason? How do you strike the balance between logic and faith? And how do you learn to admit and acknowledge that your own faith is inadequate? How do you convince a moral man he's in sin? How do you prove to someone you barely know that some ethereal spirit is active in their life? Who am I to even say such a thing?

I have a friend who was a great leader and teacher in his own right. He was a prophet that his friends couldn't see. Though he rarely took pay for his own services, those he wanted to trust most called him greedy. Though he sacrificed his own health and family for the sake of his ministry, his weaknesses were exploited rather than buttressed by his followers. They used his age and their relationships with him to limit his influence on their lives. And whether he responded or not to the allegations brought against him, either choice simply widened the division. It has now gotten to the point where he questions everything he once stood so strongly for. It shows his weakness for what it was, and though we all might point the finger, we fail to recognize our own folly in the meantime. I cannot judge him harshly, because in his situation, I might react the same. I disagree with his decision, but I cannot blame him. When a man fears for those he influenced so positively, it shows the depth to which he has been torn. The very fabric of his former existence has been ripped into tatters by those who called him friend...and though he had a hand in his own destruction, I can't help but think that our own selfishness is largely to blame. I keep in contact with him for the sake of hoping to further his recovery, and though, as I said, I disagree with his decisions, I more and more align with his case. There is great weakness in us all. Though we want to reject that idea, and claim we are blameless, as roaches flee from the light so our weaknesses run from the truth of the matter. While we became complacent with the way things were, a man slowly, silently died spiritually. We saw it coming, but did little. We knew the stakes he was risking to give us all that he did, but because he didn't fit our perception of what the standards should be, he was largely ridiculed for his efforts.

Why, in a place where we are supposed to be most free to express our wants, our needs, our desires, our failings, and our weaknesses, do we feel that we have to hide them in order to prevent those who claim to love us from rejecting us outright? Why is it that we point the finger at people we know to be hypocrites, while failing to recognize our own hypocrisy? Why do we even bother saying we will pray for someone if we have no intention of doing so, or of doing so only once? How is it that we, who are supposed to have thrown off the cares and divisive issues of this world, are often the greatest examples of everything wrong with it? How can we dare to be so callous to our brothers and sisters in this life? How can we stand to sit by and allow our neighbors to wallow in misery and pain and insecurity and doubt? Why are we not up in arms over the state of our nation's poor? Who do we expect to fight for the orphans and the widows if we fail to lift a finger in order to change their lives? How can we see children asking for food and give them a stone? How can we see a cold man on the side of the road shivering and simply tell him to go find shelter? How dare we complain when our lives go the opposite of what we planned? How dare we squander these amazing opportunities we've been given in life? How can we be content to allow this world to simply govern itself without our influence? How can we deny our own brokenness? How true are the words that in order to gain the world you must lose your very soul? How weak must we truly be to revel in the satisfaction of our own selfish devices while condemning the selfish acts of others? How can we live with injustice? How can we accept the fact that freedom is taken away in the name of freedom being given? How can we accept that a life is taken when we choose not to act? Why have we closed ourselves off and shut out our neighbors? Why are we not out there in the bars and the red light districts giving hope to the hopeless and help to the helpless? Why is there no outcry at the great moral poverty of this nation from those claiming to be the messengers of God? What hypocritical delusion must we live in to revile the homeless and the unsightly when that very ugliness resides in our whitewashed tomb of a soul? How can we spend so much money on ourselves, but claim to have not enough to help those truly in need? Why do we not rely on the faith we claim to have for more of our sustenance? How can we fear to give of ourselves for the greater good when it's the only thing asked of us by one who gave up his own life for us? How can we, who know better than any other what our own bodies are capable of becoming, belittle those who have yet to find the answer? How can our hearts not break at the thought and rather pity and love and seek to befriend the lost? How can we disown the weak in faith rather than counsel them and show them the rationality of belief in a love and a life and a purpose greater than ourselves? Where are the true and loving prophets of our time? How can you respond to these allegations? Are you brave enough to admit your own guilt? Are you strong enough to weep at your own failure and keep your sanity? Are you willing enough to seek out the resolution? Are you open enough to accept the great burden of becoming a revolutionary? Are you ready to sacrifice your reputation and success in this world in order to do what you know to be necessary? Are you honest enough with yourself to acknowledge the imperative of your own action and the risk of your own inaction? Do you realize that while you alone must take a stand and that it is impossible for you alone to accomplish anything, that you are not alone?

And finally, how long must this continue and how bad does it have to get before you get off your pompous, lying, selfish, lazy asses and do something about it?

Friday, June 27, 2008

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 05:49:46 GMT

I wrote this one night after thinking up the last few lines first...as usually happens with stuff that I write.

My hands are dry, as are my eyes.
I've grown weary of my own creation.
Slender fingers touch my face,
The worried lines I can't erase.
Electric hum and tepid air
A shaky hand and fading hair
Alone at night and day, I swear
And aching joints beyond repair.
Pull out a buck and a half in change
The profit of all of my toil today.
I try to shake the jeering cries
Before tomorrow's morning rise.
I hit the bed turn out the light
And plunge myself into the night.
This is the state of one man's mind
Who tried and failed to touch the sky.
But who am I to place the blame?
And what's the sky when you've got fame?

Friday, June 27, 2008

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 05:46:19 GMT

Oh, to be able to write poetry like this...

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 09:15:20 GMT

I tried...I tried...
But I failed...I failed...
It's like walking on ice, it sucks
It's like breathing underwater
I tried...

I live...I live...
And I breathe...I breathe...
But is living really life?
And is breath really breathing
without You?

When will I learn to accept my mistakes?
When will I learn to accept Your grace?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 05:56:00 GMT

Houston Nutt + Darren McFadden + Peyton Hillis + (LSU - Glenn Dorsey) = Win
Houston Nutt + Win Over #1 LSU + Incredulous Fans = Resign
Jeff Long + Chuck Neinas + (Atlanta Falcons - Michael Vick) = Bobby Petrino
Bobby Petrino + Arkansas Razorbacks = COACH

Yes, as of 10:30PM December 11, 2007, Bobby Petrino is the 30th head coach of the Arkansas Razorback football team.

GO HOGS!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 06:33:31 GMT

Given that LSU's defense allowed 466 yards for Ole Miss on Saturday and one of LSU's TDs was a kick-off return, and given that we spanked Ole Miss at Ole Miss and didn't allow so many yards...I think we might actually fair well at LSU...

Now, in saying that, I don't mean to say we will necessarily win...it will take the right Arkansas team showing up, but I think we could do it.

And if it comes down to it, I'd rather McFadden have the Heisman than have an SEC team in the national championship. If we manage to keep the LSU defense off McFadden by having even half the passing game we had against Mississippi State (5 passing touchdowns this last Saturday) and by thinking up more creative plays like the fake to McFadden rushes Hillis pulled off quite nicely, I think we -could- win this game. Our defense will have to show its anti-Auburn face that we lacked on Saturday. I think, perhaps, we were looking forward to LSU.

Of course, you have to give credit where credit is due. Mississippi State has played most SEC teams close this season. There were some blow-outs, but State also beat a few SEC teams that beat us...in fact, they've beaten all the teams that beat us except Tennessee...

Any given day, any given team can have the game of a lifetime. If Nutt & Co. ever needed a big upset game, this is it. We beat #2 Auburn last season...can we topple the #1 team in the country? It's very possible, very doable, but it will be very tough to pull off in reality.

GO HOGS!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 07:27:10 GMT

Apparently, the Writer's Guild of America is on strike because the networks have failed to pay them "residuals" (royalties) on ad money made from web-based programming of their TV shows and films. As a relative and friend of artists who have been ripped off by 'companies' requesting the usage of their intellectual property, I tend to side with the WGA on this. I think that some of the WGA demands are overzealous, but on the other hand, I certainly believe they should be compensated with a portion of the money the network is obviously going to make as a result of these advertisements and 'sales' of a product originally written by these WGA writers.

It would be like a publishing company not paying royalties to the author of a book for online book sales. Imagine if JK Rowling didn't get paid for books that Amazon.com sold...there would be an absolute uproar, and rightfully so.

This may be the first time I truly side with a Union on a "strike-able" issue.

Of course, we're talking about pennies per ad spot, but think about how many people watch these episodes online? The networks are obviously making money off of it, the companies pay for the ad space and more for actual ad clicks. And if even 500,000 people watch the ad at $0.10 an ad spot, that's $50,000 per ad per episode. Given episodes of Heroes are currently split up into 5 sections (which means there are 6 ads per episode: 1 at the beginning and then 1 after each section), that's $300,000 a week...if 500,000 people watch it online. Now, every week, 500,000 people are not going to watch an online episode, but you get the point. And that's just if the ads are $0.10 a spot...and I can guarantee you they are NOT just $0.10 a spot. These are full-length 30 second advertisements. Need I remind you (readers) of the price of advertisements sold for the Super Bowl? Definitely more than 10 cents.

So, we have the network executives making potentially millions of dollars (more as internet-based "television" viewing picks up) and the writers who created this content, and to whom intellectual property rights belong, get no compensation whatsoever for it? Now, you can blame the WGA for not seeing this coming, but this has been talked about since May. I went back and read up on this issue a bit and the first news articles came out back in May/June 2007...at least that's as far back as I can find with a simple Google search. Who knows how long this battle has been raging? It's just that now, during the Fall line-up, the writer's contracts have reached their end.

I figured the same thing about these phone-based voting shows like American Idol. Each call you make costs $0.99 + text messaging fees. They talk about millions of people calling in each week...that equates to millions of dollars just based off text messengers, and that goes to the phone companies and execs. And then you get ad spaces for that as well. It's a huge multi-million dollar scam...and all so we can pick who looks the cutest or who sings the "best" in the country, when I've only agreed with the outcome ONCE in the 6 or 7 seasons the show has been on. 6 or 7 seasons of American Idol! And people calling in each of the last 10 weeks. If on average 3 million people called in each week (which is normal for AI), for 10 weeks each season, for 7 seasons, that would be roughly $207,900,000, or $208 billion. And that's just from text messages...

You starting to get my point? Yeah...so is WGA....and so are these network execs.

The sad thing is, the networks rebuttal is that they don't have a "business plan" worked up for the distribution of residuals from "new media" (DVD sales of TV series, webisodes and online promotionals written by screen writers, and online re-airing of made-for-TV episodes). BULL CRAP! You guys come up with business plans and contingencies for EVERYTHING, but you don't have a way to give the screen writers $0.01 an ad in royalties? That's just weak. You need to hire better lawyers (or perhaps one of your WGA writers) to come up with a better line than that. Everyone knows it's a half-truth at best, and could be an outright lie.

I don't like Unions, I think they're an opportunity for greedy people just as much as the networks who have the "power", but you know what? I'm generally tired of seeing the media moguls making bazillions of dollars while people starve for 20 years to get their ideas, their comedic genius, etc. on TV, on CD, on air, etc.

So while I want my Heroes and Office episodes just as much as anyone else...I have to go with the WGA on this one. Keep it up, guys/gals. Maybe...JUST MAYBE...you'll get some just compensation.

The only thing I think would be better is if they came to the table and agreed that all online proceeds would go to a charity/scholarship fund for actors/writers/etc. or go to fund some kind of research. Let's see some veritable altruism from the figureheads of all these "save the children" pseudo-aid groups that Hollywood is famous for starting.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 06:23:28 GMT

Isn't it strange how things that should bring us joy, comfort, and hope sometimes cause us stress and discouragement? I find myself in that situation sometimes, and right now is one of them. There are some things that are just too big, too good to comprehend. Things that will last forever. But what is forever? How long is forever? Is forever really forever? How much of forever is forever? Does forever ever end? Is there something after forever? If it never ends, will we get bored with it and want something else?

Everything in the human experience is based upon time. We have time to do things, we do them (or don't) and then the time we had to do them (or not) expires and goes away. The time that passes never returns, but we look forward to the next unit of time (hours, days, weeks, years, decades, centuries, millenia). When we get married, we say that we will love each other forever, but really it's "til death do us part." Even our forevers aren't really forever...they're for 50 or 60 years (if you're lucky). What happens when we are first faced with forever? What happens when we enter into eternity? On earth, we look forward to the "day" when we no longer have these cursed bodies and desires and look forward to the day when we no longer have to worry about death. What happens when we have nothing "more" to look forward to? When we have an infinite amount of time to do anything we want? What happens when we, after a "smaller" infinite amount of time, eventually run through every possible experience that a human can have? Will we just do it all over again? After doing that 2 or 3 times, what would we do? Will we even recognize the passage of time? Will there even be time that passes as we think of it here? If there is no time, how will we know our own existence?

I know that eternity, forever, the infinite, is a good thing. It has been promised as a good thing, and I believe in that promise. But in my current state, in my finite mind, finite body, existing in finite space, with a finite amount of time to think, the infinite is entirely incomprehensible. Something that is infinite exists only in theory...and in math if you actually "counted" to a "number" that you represent as "infinite" because it's so huge, you could just add 1 to it and get a bigger "infinite"...unless you're in polar coordinates, but that's just silly talk. I digress. Eternity is entirely unfathomable. We cannot fully understand it from this "corporeal" side of it. It is something about which not enough can be said because it literally extends beyond what we can ever know here on Earth. The entire universe cannot be filled with enough "stuff" to describe eternity...because it is eternal. It is infinite. You can't divide it up into smaller units because there is no endpoint, unless you count the point at which you enter eternity...but then once you've been there "a while", would you even recognize your starting point from any other "point"?

Talking about it helps...and I hope no one thinks I do not desire eternity...I do...and I know that, in the end, I won't have all these issues once I get there...it's just that here and now, my brain is working itself overtime trying to figure it out...and I don't know why except that the idea I can't understand it scares me and makes me want to understand it all the more. The same with death. Having not experienced it, it scares me and makes me want to understand it more. The same with anything I haven't done, seen, touched, experienced.

I want to know so that I can tell others. I want to know so that I can both be comforted and be a comfort to others. I don't want to be afraid or cautious or skeptical of forever, especially a good forever...a perfect forever.

*Please allow me to gain some glimpse and understand as much as I can, or shut up my mind and calm my storm. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I know it's irrational to fear an eternity of good. Comfort me.*

Friday, November 02, 2007

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 18:42:55 GMT

As of about 2 hours ago, I turned 23. So far, I've slept in, washed dishes, made my lunch, showered, run to class, got an A on a test, picked up homework to grade, and returned home. Today's lab meeting with Dr. Kim was canceled (before they knew it was my birthday) so my day is now 'over.' *sigh* Just like any other Friday.

So, uh, when do I turn 24?

Psalm 119:37-40

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 05:52:21 GMT

Written 8-5-2006
Turn away my eyes
From my vanity
Revive me in Your ways
Establish in me
Your Word, that
Produces reverence for You.
Take away my shame
which I fear because
Your words are true.
Lord, I long for you.
Revive in me Your justice.